I Would Have Screamed If I Could!

We all agreed to put the kids in public school this year and while there are things that I simply could not offer them here, at home, there are things I'm not sure are a good idea that are being offered at school. 

 

Music - That's great!  I sing - probably not great though!  Those deer crossing the road today as I, in my best healing-laryngitis-riddled-voice, croaked whilst trying to sing along to some songs were probably thinking OMG that poor dying goose!  But at least it's dying to a fantastic sound track!!

 

Art - Awesome!  Okay I could do finger painting and stick figures awesomely!

 

Snake Wrangling - Say WHAT?!  I'll be right back I have to change my undies!  Who would've thunk that my kid would be the next Snake Wrangler?  I certainly wouldn't have!  For those of you who remember my very first blog there is nothing scarier to me than a snake.  *shivers*

 

Not only did she TOUCH a snake, she HELD a snake!  Not only did she HOLD a snake, she WORE a snake!  Oh.My.Goodness.  She was so happy and proud about it too and our conversation - it goes something like this:

 

"How was your day today?"

 

 "It was really good!  Mommy I wore a snake necklace today!" 

 

*Gasp* "What?  Like a pretend necklace?"  (la la la la, ugh, shiver!)

 

"No.  Today at school I wore a real snake like a necklace!"

 

Clean up on aisle three! Okay not really, but my stomach did drop to my feet, I began picturing that...UGH...shiver...snake, bleck! around my precious Princess' neck!  I have a phobia folks, a true out and out phobia! I had her change immediately and wash down in Purell! I told her how I was proud of her but I just couldn't talk about it any more as she started telling me about all the kinds there were today.  About pink stomachs, skin, OMG!! 

 

"Why don't you wait until Daddy gets home and tell him ALLLL about it!  Save it all up for him!"

 

Later, the next day I believe it was, I checked my email and there's an email from her teacher.  I open it up, about crap my pants!  I squint my eyes immediately as I wonder if there's some sort of home remedy, commercial cleanser, heck some medicine man herbal something or other available to scrub the image I witnessed from my mind.  There on my screen for all of .5 seconds was my baby holding a satan's spawn, pet of the devil, evil creature  - OVER HER SHOULDERS!!  At this point I'm sure her teacher has set out to kill me off!  If ever one could truly be scared to death me and one of those things in the same room would be enough to do it!

 

I squint to blur it out and send the pictures to my mother-in-law who likes them almost as much as I do.  I'm not sure what was on the others as each time I slowly scroll just enough to see her head and copy/paste it as I squint my eyes and hold my hand over the screen only revealing what I need to see - the send/save/share/whatever button!  No way on God's green earth would I ever, ever, EVER hold one of those! 

 

I don't know what is up with those things, people bring them to school to show and tell the kids, one hides out in our backyard for our Hot Rod to uncover, Super Hubby just killed one last night. 

 

Hot Rod doesn't seem to like them either.  Here I was sitting in the backyard on the patio.  I had been looking around and listening intently for any sign of one of those, feeling safe there's none around I relax and stop scanning the grass for movement. Super Hubby and Princess are in the pool.  Hot Rod is out of the pool in search of a snail.  Super Hubby suggested he look under things - like the foam mat by the patio I'm sitting on because they're most likely to be found where it's moist.  He pulls it back stands there looking, then shrieks it's a snake!!  I high tail it as fast as my fat, broken, messed up body could go, he runs ahead of me into the house and slams the door!  That's my boy, he is his mother's son.  I figure at that point it's every man for himself and Hot Rod must've agreed!  Invading the whooshing in my ears are commands to slow down, be careful, you're going to fall!  I didn't care. My best bet is to get inside, where it's safe! 

 

Super Hubby comes in lackadaisically with Princess then heads back out.  This time with both kids en tow intending to do what should be done to every other one of those creatures - kill it.  Princess is intrigued, Hot Rod interested but feeling safer with Daddy, I guess.  One less of those nasty things in the world, but even one is one too many for me!

 

Yesterday he found one by the garage door when he opened it!  Yep, I'd have screamed if I could had I been the one to open the door up to that site!  Our Princess is definitely her father's child.  As I've been blessed with hearing the story of him catching a snake and chasing his mom around with it.  I wouldn't run.  I'd shriek, fall right down in the floor and it'd gobble me all up, or my heart would explode one.  I'm betting on the second - probably before I ever hit the floor!